I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 11:19 (NIV)
This web site replaces a shamefully self-centered one that was titled, randhunterkreycik.com. That blog is now defunct and good riddance.
In the last few months, I have undergone what I thought I’d experienced many years ago – at age 14. At that time, I “prayed to receive Jesus into my heart” and thought I had begun my spiritual journey as a true Christian.
Over many years – no, many decades – it became clear that my heart was divided. What seemed like a true conversion on the one hand was often eclipsed by a using, self-gratifying side of me. It was as if I lived in two worlds – as two people. In one world, I was a “nice, Christian guy” who seemed to have it mostly together except for a struggle here or there. In the other world, I willfully sinned, hurting the people I loved.
As I continued in this fruitless existence over forty years, not willing to fully surrender my life to Christ, the toll was great on my family. It finally became apparent that I was not a sincere, struggling Christian. I was instead a phony (my dear wife first called me this to my face!) – a hypocrite who pursued self-gratification on the “dark side” while pretending to live in the light. Trying to keep a foot in each world was not only tearing me apart, it was greatly dishonoring God. It also affected our marriage and our children, who observed in me a “faith” that didn’t work and didn’t seem to make a difference.
On Tuesday, January 27, 2015, the Hound of Heaven pursued me to the ground. He has been relentless in his love, mercy, and grace. My pastor had been meeting with me for months, praying and encouraging and exhorting me to see my need to be broken … broken in God’s love. Finally I snapped, surrendered, and fully came under his grace.
Now, each day, I sense that his Holy Spirit is living in me … that my heart is now alive … that I have come – finally – from death to life, from darkness to light. The temptations are still there to step into the darkness, but they are much less strong. My heart is tender now. It is his now. It is finally undivided (Psalm 86:11, NIV).
And to those whom I have hurt or whose faith I have damaged in my duplicity, please forgive me. My hope, prayer, and trust is that for the remainder of the days God gives me I will “bear fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matthew 3:8, ESV) and someday hear “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:23, ESV).